A swim with suicide

A SWIM WITH SUICIDE

The tide wants to drag you away with it. When you feel its pull you have two choices; to allow it to take you or to fight against it. Most people don’t think, they just fight. The overwhelming instinct to survive takes over. They tense and they kick and they heave their bodies against the water, pulling themselves towards the safety of the shore. This is what most people do. This is the ‘normal’ thing to do. This is not what I do.

When I feel the tide wrap its arms around me and start to pull me away from the shore, I feel relief. I let the waves wash over me and cleanse my tired body. My muscles relax; they want to be taken away from the harsh waters of the shore. They want to be at rest. I allow myself to be carried further away; I lay back and feel the stresses vacate my mind.

But I am disturbed. All is not as calm as at first it seemed. I notice something on the shore which reminds me why I must fight, reminds me that really, there is no choice at all. To not fight is to break hearts. Mine can be broken but others cannot, must not. The guilt would consume and peace would never come.

I see a face on the shore, a face I love, a face screaming at me, telling me not to give myself to the tide, screaming at me to fight. I start to swim towards that face. I try to fight against the waves. It’s hard work and I’m bruised, battered, exhausted. But there is no rest. Rest means being swept further and further away from the shore, further away from the face you need to save. Sometimes you get so far away that you can no longer hear or see the shore. Your tired mind forgets why you are fighting; the urge to give in becomes unbearably strong. But you must remember that face on the shore, for it alone can save your troubled soul.

So I’m fighting. In the end there is no choice but to fight. And I’m fighting.

CarlyLou

 

N.B: The ‘face’ on the shore can represent anything in one’s life which gives a reason for ‘fighting’. It may be a loved one, an ambition not yet achieved or perhaps someone who needs you, someone/something which needs saving. It maybe something completely unknown to you but just remember that there IS something on the shore. Something which WILL bring clarity to the haziness which is currently felt.

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